I MADE A DECISION

 

As the sun was rising, she kept taking notes in her journal. Today had to be a different day… A day unlike any other… She didn't want to make new decisions every day and give up the next day. This time, she wanted to persist with determination.
“Why?” She kept writing the answers to this question in her journal. “Why should I be a good person and why should I replace the behaviors I dislike in myself with better ones today?” Reaching this stage hadn’t been easy. It was much easier for people to blame the outside world and find fault in others. The hard part was asking these questions to oneself and initiating a profound change from within.
University years had passed, internships were completed, and professional life had already begun. She was working in a well-regarded place, in a good position, in a job she had always dreamed of. Maybe she hadn’t graduated at the top of her class, but she hadn’t fallen behind either. She had traveled to countries many people longed to see, and in some, she had even had the opportunity to live for a short period.
What formed this opportunity was her own efforts and the fact that life did not leave that effort unrewarded. But there was something that did not satisfy her and made her see her current position as inadequate.
And that was what she was doing now. Right now, at work, while eating, while spending time with family… “I need to be satisfied with my own behavior not only in the most special moments or in a group, but everywhere and at every moment.” she thought.
Because there were many things about herself that she did not like.
She could be quick to react emotionally.
 
A comment from anyone would quickly increase her tension, and on the contrary, her fire would quickly fade away.
Additionally, receiving approval from others was very important to her. When she didn’t get that approval, her motivation would drop instantly. If a project at work didn’t get applause, if her mother at home didn’t say, “I’m so glad you’re here,” she felt like her efforts were in vain.
“So why does a person get so affected by others’ reactions?” she wondered. She had long understood that her expectations were not in the right place, but her motivation to change this behavior wasn’t very strong.
“How can a person’s motivation increase?” she asked. When someone deeply understands why they do something, when they have many reasons to do it, their internal motivation becomes stronger, and they become less affected by their surroundings. This would help them go further, preventing them from abandoning what they started halfway through.
She loved learning new things and developing herself, but if learning remained just an accumulation of information without application, it wouldn’t be meaningful in the long run.
The day had slowly begun to break, and the sky was painted in shades of orange.
“From now on…” she said, "I want to live what I’ve learned."
"What exactly?"… “"The things that will make me better than I was yesterday, the knowledge I have gained…"
“I want to focus on my own reasons now and be concerned with what I put forward. Not with the response I get…”
A person’s outcomes are shaped by the reasons they put together. Only those who focus on their own reasons can overcome the feeling of inadequacy. Because their sole focus is their transformation and becoming a better version of themselves. At that point, hearing "I’m so glad you’re here!" or "You did a great job!" may not be that impressive anymore.
The road ahead could then be traveled with a longer breath and a greater sense of joy…